I just want to give up on Council Meetings.

( Season 4 spoilers! )

I guess all I can do is prepare myself.

I could do without most of them, but this one in particular was awful, just awful. It was about Father, of course and how the chance of a full recovery was all but impossible, at least that was Gaius's opinion.

Which...well, is something he's never mentioned before, he hasn't exactly being optimistic about Father's condition of course, but he's never said there's no hope at all. It was like a blow from a lance.

And now the council is saying that a Regency Act has to be written and put into place sooner rather than later. Once this news gets out (as it no doubt will) I'll have no choice. I have to be Regent, I'm no longer temporarily filling in for my father, I am taking over from him.

Just writing this makes it all so...final.

Damnit.

Father's condition has deteriated once more, Gaius has informed me that he's halluncinating once again. He seemed to be under the impression that Lord Gorlois had returned. He kept talking about his own execution, just...ranting. I don't know. Part of me wishes I could have been there to help him...somehow, but the other part of me, God I don't want to see that, no-one needs to see that. I just wish...

And news like this is going to have to be passed on to the Council and no doubt they'll want to bring up the Regency Bill again. I suppose they have a good point, a mad king is no king at all.

But I just hate the very thought of it. This wasn't the way I wanted to become King.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow's Council Meeting...

I am currently taking care of a strangely behaved cat.

Still...better than a Council Meeting.

He actually recognised me today, but I don't think it made much of a difference. He seemed to be under the impression that I was...I don't know, not real exactly? He kept talking like I had died many many years ago and he thought I was a ghost haunting him or something.

Then towards the end of the hour he started talking like it was thirty years ago and he wasn't king, he kept calling me Gorlois. It was very...unsettling, Lord Gorlois reminds me of Morgana (he was her father after all, or I don't know...) and I don't need to be reminded of Morgana.

The very last thing Father said to me before I left his room was that there all the birds were dying and soon none would be left. I have no idea what that even means, neither did Gaius when I asked him, as far as he could recall there's never been a widespread death of birds in the kingdom.

Tomorrow the Council reconvenes with our invited guests, who Father doesn't even have a clue about what is happening.

Sometimes I think he never will...and I'll have to take that final step. A few more weeks and I'm sure the Council will really start pushing the Regent option.

I don't want to think about it.

After the high of winning the tournament (and the bizarreness that followed,ju as if what happened at the feast a few days ago - I'm a bit worried I might be hallucinating. Either that or this nexus thing is trying to drive me mad) I've had to go back to the Council Room.

Where I could have died of boredom today, really, I think it's a distinct possibility. I'm beginning to think I should have Merlin sit in on those meetings with me, if only to share the suffering. That's what a good servant does after all, share his master's burdens?

Plus the look on his face would really brighten up my day...

Possibilities...

This has been the best day I've had since Guinevere's birthday (for obvious reasons) and it's all thanks to training. There's nothing like getting your aggression out on your fellow knights or the practice dummy.

Unfortunately for me, Council Meetings are back in session tomorrow, honestly, is having more than a one day break too much to ask? It's enough to make me wish I was a horse again.

Actually, no, it's not. That was a dumb thing to write. The last thing I need is any kind of sorcery.

Unfortunately for the Council Meetings are beginning early tomorrow morning so now I have to sleep unless I want to sleep through them, which frankly I wouldn't mind doing, but Monmouth would never stand for it.

He's an ogre, really.

And that means I have to endeavour to visit every major harvesting area in the kingdom to take stock of the situation and give the farmers encouragement.

Only problem is, I only just learnt about this today and there's the tournament to train for as well, acceptances have started coming in, a few of the older members of the council seemed rather surprised, obviously I'm facing a lack of confidence from my own advisors! Or Father's advisors rather.

Speaking of Father, since his nocturnal adventures last week he's been completely still, as in, he hasn't moved from his bed at all. If this continues he's in danger of developing a wasting disease or worse.

Not that I can see how it could get much worse...aside from...death.

I don't even want to think about it.

God I need some sleep...

A few days ago Guinevere and I were actually able to catch a few moments together. And even though she spent some of those precious moments pointing the possible dangers of my tournament idea (possible dangers for less talented knights rather), I'd give anything to be able to have that happen on a regular basis.

But since then I've been tied up so much by the council and petioneers that I've barely had time to breathe. I'm so tired I could sleep right now, except Merlin is still bustling around in here making all kinds of noise.

Speaking of Guinevere, I've been advised by Elyan that her birthday is only five days away, so now I really need to do something for her, something more than a lavander tree...bush thing.

Of course, I haven't got a clue on what that could be and I don't have anyone I can ask, I mean, what exactly could Merlin or Gaius suggest to me?

Perhaps I should cut my losses and ask Monmouth, although if I was going to do that I really should have asked more than a week out.

And Merlin's finally stopped banging around and my pillow calls.

Perhaps something will come to me in a dream...

Right, so the last time I wrote in this book I got a rather disturbing message back...I think I might be safe now though.

Besides, I need to write some things in here about the tournament plans. Monmouth didn't seem to think too much of it, but a surprise number of the council seemed to think it wasn't such a bad idea.

I've never actually arranged a tournament however, they've always just happened, so of course, as it turns out, a king has to do a lot. So it looks like I'll be holding a lot more council meetings...unbelievable.

I better be able to compete in the tournament by the end of all this, instead of dead from boredom.

One can only hope.

For legitmaing my position as temporary ruler here in Camelot. I sort of forgot about it in all the turmoil that happened afterwards, but April had a very good idea indeed. A tournament. No doubt Merlin would think it's ridiculous, but tournaments display the best warriors in a kingdom and those warriors earn respect... So I'm thinking we need one, because I'm more than capable of winning it.

Of course, the Council will cause trouble I'm sure, since a ruler - even a temporary one - is hardly supposed to be risking life and limb in a tournament. I think I'll be able to get around that, Father did after all.

There's a bit of an issue with a few of the kingdoms though...ones that haven't been invited to tournaments due to, well, complete and utter disregard for the Knight's Code. Father would be appalled if he knew what I was thinking of doing.

But the point is...he doesn't and I'm running out of options. Inviting back disgraced knights is a small price to pay when the alternative is an invasion and war.

Right...?

Although they're not in so many words, still there's no getting around it.

There's suggestion and rumours coming in that as a kingdom Camelot is weak, what with no King and no proclaimed Regent. Some of the older Council Members seem to think this is all the reason I need to basically overthrow my own father and claim the throne.

But how am I supposed to do that, bodily speaking Father is still relatively strong, he could live for years unless...one day he just decides not to eat until he starves. It's a disturbing possibility, so far he's gone without food for more than a week, but somehow Gaius always manages to make him eat again.

As for his mind...well, there's nothing good there, he just doesn't talk. And a King who won't speak is no king at all.

Something has to be done...but what?

Not that I'm surprised my little plan paid off, Monmouth could talk the ears off a statue. In fact he almost talked the ears off me.

Yes, unfortunately, when it comes to this sort of strategy one has to put themselves in the cross fire as well.

But the delegates eventually backed down on some of their more ridiculous demands, although they did put up quite a fight. I can respect that.

Monmouth looked rather disappointed yesterday when some five hours into his speech about the history of island kingdoms and mainland kingdoms was interrupted, but I'm sure he'll get over it.

I just wish I could tell Father about this...not that I didn't try, but he was even less responsive than usual this evening when I went to see him.

I just would have liked to hear

Needless to say all parties deserve a feast tomorrow night. I might even drink Gwaine under the table after all this...

After what seems like years - even days is too much if you ask me - the delegates from Mora have finally put their reasoning for asking Camelot for so many concessions in the new treaty.

Lady Helen's death.

It took me a good minute to remember who they were talking about. I mean, that was over four years ago now, if they had such a big problem with it I'd have thought they'd have raised a stink a lot earlier.

But no...obviously this is a direct reflection on my abilities or Mora's preception of them. They think because I've never negoiated outright on treaties before I'm easy pickings or something.

Well, they've made a big mistake there. If they think they can walk all over me...

I'm setting Monmouth loose on them for today's meeting, if they're not begging to keep the treaty unchanged (and it's a very fair treaty) by the end of today I might just give them one of two concessions out of shock!

Yeah, I can't see that happening...

It's been a day of both.

Firstly, the weather broke overnight so the knights were finally able to train. God forbid we end up getting rusty!

Nothing quite like a training session, or the Gwaine-encouraged sheninigans that followed, which mostly involved trying to throw each other in the river. I'm pretty sure I managed to win, of course.

Unfortunately, the fun couldn't last and I found myself sitting on another Council Meeting. The Councillers are getting restless about Father's condition. They grilled Gaius unmercifully, not that it's helped much. Father is the same, neither here nor there...

It was enough to make me talk to myself, or at least I thought I was alone. Typical of events these days, I wasn't. I suppose at a time like this I could use advice...from any quarter.

But it's beginning to look more and more likely that Father will remain in the fuge...and that offical steps will have to be taken.

And I don't want official steps to be taken...

Yesterday evening while finishing up patrol, I happened to run across Guinevere.

I was hoping we could spend some time together, I mean, things are somewhat different now, with Father not caring about...anything.

But, I guess not...Guinevere was uncomfortable about it, and I suppose I don't blame her. Still, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't depressed about it. It certainly made today's Council Meeting even more of a drag than usual.

Although, I think it'd really help if Merlin was at those meetings with his offical hat. Hmmmm...that's an idea...

After yesterday's fun at the tavern I was in no state to be on a council meeting, at least that was my claim. Gaius, however, was of quite a different opinion and I suppose it wouldn't do to let down Lord Godwin just because I had a bit too much mead.

But I'll tell you who was useless today - or at least more useless than usual - Merlin. Good God, give that man a bit of cider and he's under the table! Gwaine and I had to carry him back to his room! And he hasn't shown up for his duties all day. Gaius mentioned something about him suffering his comeuppance, before he gave me a disgusting tasting potion and sent me on my way.

It'll be amusing to see my manservant tomorrow I can tell you that.

Lord Godwin, the Council and I discussed the consolidation of our resources with Cenred (the kingdom) being so unstable at present. Father did have a point when he mentioned that Lord Godwin's (and some day Elena's) lands were strategic. They'll certainly provide a place to keep a force in case one of the factions in Cenred decide to try something.

I wonder...should I be writing this? Can Morgana read it, I sure as Hell hope not. Perhaps I should try some sort of test? How, I'm not sure...aside from a few days ago there's been no word on either her or Morgause, hasn't been for months. And if she can see this, well...she can just not respond.

I should give up on this book all together. It's magic after all...

For Lord Godwin and Elena.

I have to admit, I perhaps didn't treat the moment with the proper dignity. I couldn't help emphasising how... 'strategic' these meetings are certain to be.

But, I'm pretty certain Lord Godwin was just as amused as I!

And it was nice to see Elena again, I'm hoping to prove my superiority on horseback to her at a later date.

Unortunately, that won't be tomorrow, which like today will be nothing but meetings.

Ugh.

I'm just going to pray that I can get through it.

For another round of boring and no doubt annoying meetings.

I wonder though, if he'll bring Elena and if so...well, it's certainly going to be strange. Especially since we never found her maid.

I guess I should turn in, it's hard enough to stay awake in those meetings as is without throwing a lack of sleep in!

And it's not good, at the borders at least everything is in complete turmoil, with no army, bandits have all but taken over and holding villagers to ransom.

Now, I - or rather than Council and I have to figure out excatly what to do. Without a ruler there's no-one to negogiate with, and it's hardly Camelot polcy to negogiate with bandits anyway. On the other hand is it going to war if there's no one group to declare war on? These bandits certainly aren't working together, although I suppose it's possible if we attempted to invade they'd band together, which is something I think we all want to avoid.

It's these sorts of decisions I find impossible. Father, of course, always seemed to know what he was doing...but I don't have that kind of confidence. At the moment, the bandits have no interest in Camelot, so invading would only be provoking them.

On the other hand, the sheer bastardery of Cenred aside the people of his kingdom shouldn't pay for his mistakes.

So...to invade...or not...

I just don't want to make the wrong decision.