I wasn't particularly looking forward to this day, after all my birthday last year wasn't anything particularly enjoyable, considering everything...

Actually after everything that happened only a week ago with Lancelot I thought maybe it was unseemly to have any kind of celebrations. But everything has been arranged and people far and wide had come for the markets that always happen during these sorts of things.

And then this morning, Father actually spoke to me! Not his usual confused ramblings, but...about the feast and the fact he wants to be there. Father hasn't left his room for more than a year, now finally... If that's not a cause for celebration I don't know what is!

So I'm ready for the feast...I just wish I knew what the these...things are. I don't know why I'm surprised by what this book does anymore, but really...spiders?

Providing that don't come alive or something...

No matter, the feast is what's important and I seeing Father back on his feet again. It's the greatest gift I could hope for.

And who knows, maybe those stick performers will actually be interesting.

And not the sort you hear in ghost stories, actual ghosts, according to Gaius the veil between our world and the next has been torn and now beings from the afterlife are coming through and... freezing people to death.

I don't understand it either, but it's not just Gaius's word (although I have no reason to doubt it), first there was the girl from the village of Whitevale, Drea who saw them kill all she knew with her own eyes and then what I saw with the knights and Merlin just last night in the very same village.

The situation is getting worse, apparently the veil is centred on the Isle of the Blessed - which I always thought was a fairytale told to small children, but no, it's real. The creatures from the afterlife are coming from there and spreading out further and further. They will soon reach Camelot.

That is, if no-one stops them.

Which, of course, I won't allow.

I swore to protect the people of Camelot with my life and since the only way to close the veil is to go to the Isle and sacrifice a life, that is what I will do.

Father is in no fit state to rule, of course, but I'm sure...somehow...he'll find the strength he once had to rule over his people once more. And if not...Uncle will help him.

My only regret is leaving my fellow knights, and Guinevere...and even Merlin. He was a good friend...horrible servant, but good friend.

I suppose this is goodbye book. Try not to make anyone else's life as confusing as you made mine.

And lastly... why an an apple?

He certainly knows how to make a feast awkward.

Last night was Samhain, so of course there was a feast. I've never cared for feasts at the best of times, but ever since Father's illness and Morgana's betrayal it's been even worse. For the first few months I was completely alone up there at the head table, sitting beside the empty King's Chair, trying not to notice it.

Of course, a few months ago Uncle Agravaine came so things have been less...awkward, but still.

Anyway, for once I thought the feast was going rather well, then Merlin had to make an ass of himself and faint. Actually faint, it's not as if I worked him too hard today! He barely had to do anything! And it wasn't incredibly stuffy in the hall either.

Honestly.

Still, Gaius assured us all that Merlin is fine and that he'll be up and about tomorrow, which is good...I mean I wouldn't want anything to be seriously wrong with him, aside from his general bizarre behaviour.

But fainting, really? He's such a delicate flower.

I just want to give up on Council Meetings.

( Season 4 spoilers! )

I guess all I can do is prepare myself.

Gwaine been drunk.

It's rather unkightly behaviour in all honesty, especially if he's going to stumble all over the place, but he makes such an amusing drunk I can't really punish him for it. He always seems to bounce back from it...so I can be certain he won't be skipping training tomorrow.

Today I visited Father, who is in a much better state than he was this time last week. Although that's not saying much, all it means really is instead of ranting and raving and sentencing himself to death he's silent, staring vacant eyed at...something. Sometimes he whispered something, but I couldn't make out what it was. I can't even be sure he recognised me.

At least he's eating again, thank God for small mercies.

Merlin has been in a strange mood this week...I mean stranger than usual, I'm not sure what his problem is exactly, I tried speaking to him about it today, but...well...

Maybe Guinevere can get it out of him...although when I'm with Guinevere the last thing on my mind is Merlin! But I should make a note to remember that...

Yes, those...other mes, they disappeared as quickly as they arrived.

I'm not sure what to make of the fact I managed to keep Merlin completely unaware of their presence, honestly, I think as a servant he could do better. Still this really wouldn't have been a good time for Merlin to get professional.

Of course, having to babysit...myself for a whole day meant I didn't see Guinevere at all. Not even so much as a glimpse across the courtyard!

That situation had to be rectified today, and I'm pleased to say it was. After all, a good knight always succeeds in his mission.

Gaius told me today that Father has remained bedridden since the incident a few days ago, it's not exactly good news, but at least he isn't talking to 'ghosts'. I'm steeling myself to visit him tomorrow, I can only hope that he'll recognise me, I just don't know what to do when he doesn't recognise me or is under the impression that I'm someone else.

But then that might be too much to hope...

I'd rather not think about it.

I could do without most of them, but this one in particular was awful, just awful. It was about Father, of course and how the chance of a full recovery was all but impossible, at least that was Gaius's opinion.

Which...well, is something he's never mentioned before, he hasn't exactly being optimistic about Father's condition of course, but he's never said there's no hope at all. It was like a blow from a lance.

And now the council is saying that a Regency Act has to be written and put into place sooner rather than later. Once this news gets out (as it no doubt will) I'll have no choice. I have to be Regent, I'm no longer temporarily filling in for my father, I am taking over from him.

Just writing this makes it all so...final.

Damnit.

Father's condition has deteriated once more, Gaius has informed me that he's halluncinating once again. He seemed to be under the impression that Lord Gorlois had returned. He kept talking about his own execution, just...ranting. I don't know. Part of me wishes I could have been there to help him...somehow, but the other part of me, God I don't want to see that, no-one needs to see that. I just wish...

And news like this is going to have to be passed on to the Council and no doubt they'll want to bring up the Regency Bill again. I suppose they have a good point, a mad king is no king at all.

But I just hate the very thought of it. This wasn't the way I wanted to become King.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow's Council Meeting...

He actually recognised me today, but I don't think it made much of a difference. He seemed to be under the impression that I was...I don't know, not real exactly? He kept talking like I had died many many years ago and he thought I was a ghost haunting him or something.

Then towards the end of the hour he started talking like it was thirty years ago and he wasn't king, he kept calling me Gorlois. It was very...unsettling, Lord Gorlois reminds me of Morgana (he was her father after all, or I don't know...) and I don't need to be reminded of Morgana.

The very last thing Father said to me before I left his room was that there all the birds were dying and soon none would be left. I have no idea what that even means, neither did Gaius when I asked him, as far as he could recall there's never been a widespread death of birds in the kingdom.

Tomorrow the Council reconvenes with our invited guests, who Father doesn't even have a clue about what is happening.

Sometimes I think he never will...and I'll have to take that final step. A few more weeks and I'm sure the Council will really start pushing the Regent option.

I don't want to think about it.

And that means I have to endeavour to visit every major harvesting area in the kingdom to take stock of the situation and give the farmers encouragement.

Only problem is, I only just learnt about this today and there's the tournament to train for as well, acceptances have started coming in, a few of the older members of the council seemed rather surprised, obviously I'm facing a lack of confidence from my own advisors! Or Father's advisors rather.

Speaking of Father, since his nocturnal adventures last week he's been completely still, as in, he hasn't moved from his bed at all. If this continues he's in danger of developing a wasting disease or worse.

Not that I can see how it could get much worse...aside from...death.

I don't even want to think about it.

God I need some sleep...

Gaius found Father wandering the halls of the castle tonight. This is the first time he's been out of his room in months and sadly it was not an indication that he is feeling better. In fact he was all but raving, and God only knows how many servants he ran into before Gaius got to him. I mean, yes, everyone knows that Father is...not in a very good place at the moment, but actually seeing it? That's another thing altogether.

So now I have to worry not only about the leaders of other kingdoms and what they think, but what people of Camelot think as well. At this rate when Father recovers no-one will trust him to be able to rule once more.

Speaking of the other kingdoms...the invitations have been sent, hopefully everyone will agree to show up, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do if they don't.

And I also have Guinevere's birthday to think of, the only bright spot in otherwise dreary and disheartening week.

I could use some annoying by Merlin right now...where is he? He hasn't even turned down my bed covers yet! Lazy, incredibly lazy.

For legitmaing my position as temporary ruler here in Camelot. I sort of forgot about it in all the turmoil that happened afterwards, but April had a very good idea indeed. A tournament. No doubt Merlin would think it's ridiculous, but tournaments display the best warriors in a kingdom and those warriors earn respect... So I'm thinking we need one, because I'm more than capable of winning it.

Of course, the Council will cause trouble I'm sure, since a ruler - even a temporary one - is hardly supposed to be risking life and limb in a tournament. I think I'll be able to get around that, Father did after all.

There's a bit of an issue with a few of the kingdoms though...ones that haven't been invited to tournaments due to, well, complete and utter disregard for the Knight's Code. Father would be appalled if he knew what I was thinking of doing.

But the point is...he doesn't and I'm running out of options. Inviting back disgraced knights is a small price to pay when the alternative is an invasion and war.

Right...?

Although they're not in so many words, still there's no getting around it.

There's suggestion and rumours coming in that as a kingdom Camelot is weak, what with no King and no proclaimed Regent. Some of the older Council Members seem to think this is all the reason I need to basically overthrow my own father and claim the throne.

But how am I supposed to do that, bodily speaking Father is still relatively strong, he could live for years unless...one day he just decides not to eat until he starves. It's a disturbing possibility, so far he's gone without food for more than a week, but somehow Gaius always manages to make him eat again.

As for his mind...well, there's nothing good there, he just doesn't talk. And a King who won't speak is no king at all.

Something has to be done...but what?

Not that I'm surprised my little plan paid off, Monmouth could talk the ears off a statue. In fact he almost talked the ears off me.

Yes, unfortunately, when it comes to this sort of strategy one has to put themselves in the cross fire as well.

But the delegates eventually backed down on some of their more ridiculous demands, although they did put up quite a fight. I can respect that.

Monmouth looked rather disappointed yesterday when some five hours into his speech about the history of island kingdoms and mainland kingdoms was interrupted, but I'm sure he'll get over it.

I just wish I could tell Father about this...not that I didn't try, but he was even less responsive than usual this evening when I went to see him.

I just would have liked to hear

Needless to say all parties deserve a feast tomorrow night. I might even drink Gwaine under the table after all this...

He's stopped eating again, and because he never leaves his rooms it's almost impossible for them to be cleaned. Even the windows are filthy. The weather was beautiful today, perfect hunting weather in fact...but the sunlight could barely penetrate the room.

I was going to have them cleaned, but that only seemed to upset him.

All he wants is for Morgana to return. Which is completely impossible and if she ever did come back...well...

I didn't even have a chance to ask him about Uncle Agravaine.

Not that I think it would make a difference...he never told me about Uncle Tristan either. Not even when that wraith was here, killing knights.

I'll never understand Father...but I can't hate him, not now...not when he's like this. He's my father...

It's been a day of both.

Firstly, the weather broke overnight so the knights were finally able to train. God forbid we end up getting rusty!

Nothing quite like a training session, or the Gwaine-encouraged sheninigans that followed, which mostly involved trying to throw each other in the river. I'm pretty sure I managed to win, of course.

Unfortunately, the fun couldn't last and I found myself sitting on another Council Meeting. The Councillers are getting restless about Father's condition. They grilled Gaius unmercifully, not that it's helped much. Father is the same, neither here nor there...

It was enough to make me talk to myself, or at least I thought I was alone. Typical of events these days, I wasn't. I suppose at a time like this I could use advice...from any quarter.

But it's beginning to look more and more likely that Father will remain in the fuge...and that offical steps will have to be taken.

And I don't want official steps to be taken...

Everything was back to normal yesterday, I discover firstly, it's unnaturally hot, searing in fact, training had to be cancelled it was that bad! I of course had put on all my armour and it was hot enough that I basically just had to flop down on the training fieldss and start peeling everything off.

And not five minutes later Morgana appeared! Young Morgana I mean....she wasn't very impressed with me. But...she certainly seemed to be concerned for me, er young me, I mean. Another reminder how much she cared.

And then Merlin threw me in the lake.

Thank God for Merlin...

Today on the other hand has been very quiet, although Gaius is concerned that Father isn't drinking enough water to combat this heat. Yet another worry.

Ugh, it's way too hot to write, I'm going to eat some fruit.

There's still training of course!

Of course, I do think of the new knights - I ran into Lancelot today, he seemed a bit...distracted...I was worried that the noble knights might have been causing trouble. But no, it was something else entirely. Although, it was not entirely a relief.

Anyway, training! Thank God for training! Nothing like duels or taking the head off a dummy - especially after hours of Council Meetings. It's also good for taking my mind off Father, who's returned to his stupour according to Gaius, which just makes me feel guilty...

I'm no good at all this 'thinking', it just makes me feel worse. I suppose I could go out and torture the practice dummy some more, but I'm sure Monmouth will insist I be up at a ridiculous hour, so I best be prepared.

And if he doesn't, I'm sure Merlin will wake me.

Yes she does.

After last night's absolutely woeful 'discussion' (if it could be called that) with Father, just seeing her this morning made me feel better and that was before we talked!

Although sadly not even Guinevere could convince Father to return to the land of the living, at least I can't imagine she could. I would hardly want to expose her to him in his mood. In all honesty after everythiing's that happened I'm sure she'd be glad if he never recovered.

Still...I wish...

Especially with yet another Council tomorrow. On live stock again, I suppose that means I should read up on cattle numbers again.

I don't know I live with the excitement sometimes...